I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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