I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize