He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
