____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I didn't shave. On purpose
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
