so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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