He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
