yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
