There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
