apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
