Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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