In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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