i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
