come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
