you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
