My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
