I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
