Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
