if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
