i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
