I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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