Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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