if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
