Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
