if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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