Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
