can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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