he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
