I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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