What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
