Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
