I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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