Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
