Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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