So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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