She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
