I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
