Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize