you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
