hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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