It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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