god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
