Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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