She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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