Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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