She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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