i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
The best revenge is premature balding
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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