And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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