I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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