wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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