he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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