A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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