Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
