Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
