I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
