If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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