I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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