This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
