Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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