I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
