I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
