he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize