I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
