my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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