Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
