Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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