so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
