if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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