The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
